what you don’t know CAN hurt you

It has been quite sometime since I have written or even thought about writing. Then today, while I was looking over my homework, this topic came to me. It struck me that I HAD to write it down and share, so forgive my sub-par writing today, but the message is important.

Often we hear the phrase what you don’t know can’t hurt you. I’m here to tell you that in at least one instance, that’s a bloody lie. There is something you desperately need to know or it will do more than hurt you. It will forever determine your eternity, and that’s pretty immense. If you don’t know that there is someone out there that loves YOU, that cares about what happens to YOU, that forgives YOU, and wants to have the best BFF relationship with YOU; you’re missing out on the greatest thing ever. For many, many years I thought I had my bases covered; me and the BIG GUY were good. I knew a few verses, sang Jesus songs at Christmas, called on him in times of trouble, and knew the Jesus Loves Me song by heart and even sang it to my kids! I was good. Unfortunately, I thought wrong, way wrong, like really, really way wrong. I’m sure you all know the definition of insanity by Einstein; doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Well, here’s a different take on that. Doing the same sin over and over again means you should question your own standing with God (if you think you have one). Do we all make mistakes/commit sin? Absolutely, and we always will until we are called home. However, habitually repeating the same sin (mistake) without any repentance is muy mal, that means very bad (I think, my Spanish is rusty). The reason behind that is this, if you have truly been redeemed and His love is inside of you, changing you into the kind of person he wants you to be (which by the way is fantastic, cause we as humans just suck) then you wouldn’t be repeating the same sin and NOT feeling remorse over it. You wouldn’t continually do the same thing and blow it off. It took me a long time to understand this and some reading and listening to MacArthur quite a bit. Because, we’ve all heard it, Jesus loves us, He forgives us, pfft what’s the big deal?! We can live the way we want and He will still take us!

Here’s an excerpt from MacArthur’s sermon on habitual sin, “don’t underestimate the seriousness of your sin. I think the major reason we don’t deal with sin strongly and firmly is because we underestimate its seriousness to God…to God, to us, to those with whom we fellowship, to the church, to the unbelievers. Our sin steals joy. Our sin ruins fellowship with God. Our sin diminishes fruitfulness. Our sin robs us of peace. Our sin renders our service useless. Our sin mitigates against our effectiveness in evangelism. Our sin hinders our prayers. Our sin brings the discipline of God. We need to understand the seriousness of our sin. It violates first and foremost our relationship with the Lord.”

That’s eye-opening, isn’t it? I read that and thought to myself, CRAP, no wonder my life is in the sewer! No wonder I am depressed, that I have subzero self-esteem, that I don’t want to be around my kids, that I don’t like my husband, that I do things intentionally to sabotage my relationships. What is wrong with me?! I’ll tell you, I thought I could just carry on driving my own bus, doing things my way, cause we all KNOW it’s the best way. (Insert the wrong answer noise from you favorite game show) Asking Christ to be your Savior changes you, it can’t not change you. His spirit has rented space inside you for the duration, and something so wonderfully holy being inside you cannot live alongside our corruptness, it will overtime and trials change us, making us holy and lovely and without blemish. Once I really got this, things started happening, then even more started happening when I handed Him the steering wheel (wow, that’s seriously hard by the way). Have I reached perfection, lol not a chance, but I am better than I was, a lot better than I was. Don’t ask me, ask my family, ask Jack, ask my girls. They like me again, which is really cool, heck I like me!

So, I suppose that was really 2 instances. 1 is not knowing Christ at all and 2 is thinking you’re good all the while you’re steeped in habitual sin. I needed to share this, and I appreciate your patience and reading my words. If you find yourself in either position, don’t feel bad, somebody else has been there before you, and someone will be there behind you. But take the opportunity to DO something, don’t just slough it off. If you would like prayer, shoot me a message, I’ll pray for you, if you want to pray for me, yay! Please do. My road is far from ended, but it’s smoother now and I hope that yours will be too.

~Viv

Here’s is the link to John MacArthur’s sermon Dealing with Habitual Sins http://www.gty.org/resources/sermons/80-106

 

not what i expected

Yesterday held another counseling session for me. I like my counselor, pretty alright dude. We started talking about EMDR, yeah you’d have to google it because I can’t remember what it stands for. It has something to do with eye movement and processing painful occurrences in your life/past. We tried it a couple of weeks ago, but I had a hard time focusing, it was too distracting for me. Anyway, we talked about that again and that led to other stuff, and that led to more stuff. He says to me, “I notice every time we get near a sensitive issue, you smile and make a joke or laugh it off”. Apparently, I’ve been laughing & joking in his office quite a bit. GAH! Yeah, I realize that I have to deal with and process the crappy past and I want to, just so I can get on with my life and be happy where I’m at. I didn’t really think about the fact that its easier to laugh it off than deal with it, and what the effects of that are. Its all circular, if we let it be, which is a natural human defense mechanism. So, as I was saying we were talking and speaking about scripture and yada yada, next thing I know, BAM! Tears, not hysterical or anything just extremely watery eyes, no idea why, can’t even tell you if I was thinking of something in particular. Switch flipped on me now and I know I have to try harder to deal with the root of the issue. It will not be easy and I dare say that it will be painful. I’d like to wait for Jack to get back before I try to do another EMDR session, his arms are a wonderful comfort zone for afterward. Maybe that is weak of me, but I can’t imagine not having that indulgence. I’ll ask for prayers again, I won’t lie, I’m not looking forward to this I’d still like to ignore it and go on cracking jokes. However, it has to be done and I could use prayer for strength and courage, and above all peace. Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts! Until next time…

recalculating

Well, I find myself slipping into a funk. It’s only been one week that Jack has been gone and already I’m feeling blah. It’s silly really, I shouldn’t be feeling this way and I’ve got to pull myself out. It’s not that I’m trying to lower Jack’s importance or place in my life, but I cannot let myself be so tied to his presence that it if he is absent I cannot function. I don’t want that and I know he doesn’t either. I find myself sleeping later and in a generally blah mood. So what, he’s only going to be gone for 3 weeks, big deal, we’ve been through way longer separations than this! I think that several things are compounding together and bringing me down. I’m bored, STILL job hunting, Jack’s gone, and I’m still working my way through the whole depression thing. I haven’t been reading my bible as much, not falling asleep very well, and I’m letting myself get caught up in boredom. All these things I can do something about, so I will. Tomorrow I am off to a job interview/test and hopefully I’ll get a job offer. Not working is really starting to wear me down and feeling like I have no value. Here again, I’ve gotta change that, read scripture, there is where I will find my value, in God’s word. I guess I’m just trying to get all the negative out so that I can usher in the good and be at peace with where I’m at right now. So, there, it’s all out and tomorrow is a new day!

i had to stop & think.

So, there’s a blog out there called unveiledwife that a friend (Trisha) inadvertently turned me onto. Anyway, the gal (Jenn) is a young married woman with a heart for wives and marriages. She’s quite encouraging and today she made me stop and think! Her Facebook post was in regard to expectations we as wives have for, of, and about our husbands. Needless to say, I had something to say about that. Formerly, I (and I’m still working on this, obviously) had major problems in this area. What?! Yeah, me, I did and sometimes still do. I learned something a few months ago that really shocked me, are you ready? Jack is NOT a mindreader! I know, I was flabbergasted!! He’s always seemed to be able to just know what I’m thinking. Of course, I’m talking about it now with some humor, however, back then I didn’t find it so amusing. I had to really work that around in my head. It took me a while to come to the conclusion that Jack isn’t (while he’s pretty darn awesome in every other area) omniscient. I say again, I was confounded! After some counseling and reading my bible I was led (thankfully) to the understanding that Jack cannot fix everything, and I should NOT put that kind of pressure on him. Wait, me, pressure my husband?!? ABSURD! Well, guess what, I was, I’m guilty. Now, I KNOW that God is where I take all these crazy problems and questions to, He’s the one that can bear that burden. Jack was never meant to carry my world on his shoulders. I have to put my trust in the Lord, and lean not on my own understanding.Oh, sorry, got a little off topic, but it’s sort of related. Back to expectations… This is what I posted about it: “We all have expectations of our husbands, whether its just that he love us or that he needs to complete the “honey-do-list” hidden in our brain. The trick is to remember he is not God, and therefore cannot know what we are thinking, so don’t get angry about that. If there’s something that you need or want help with, VERBALLY communicate that TO him, and don’t forget, don’t ask when he’s already over encumbered, that just makes for a bad situation. Ask yourself if this expectation is something he can actually meet, we often put expectations on our husbands that they CANNOT meet no matter how much they’d like to. Don’t confuse God’s position and sovereignty with your husband’s, there are just some things that ONLY God can do for you. Oh and let’s not forget to pray for them and ask God to help our husbands see us they way He sees us, that never hurts”. That’s how I feel about it now, after much prayer, listening to MacArthur, and reading my bible. On a very serious note, I think of the damage I’ve created from doing this, and it makes me so sad. Have I reached “expert level” yet? Nope, I have to keep reminding myself of this when I start to get my feelings hurt or get mad about something. The next time you find yourself getting all crazy about how your husband didn’t know to change that lightbulb in the closet, stop, take a breath and realize he’s just a man that loves you. 

On a side note, I’ve been feeling pretty good, no major drop in my mood or mood swings. I am starting to get a teensy bit antsy about finding a job, but I’m praying about that. Please continue your prayers, I know I’ve been off the radar for a week or so, but I’m still here and still working on getting through this with God’s help. Oh and if you’re a wife and you’re interested in the blog I mentioned, here’s the link: https://www.facebook.com/unveiledwife?fref=ts

And if you are interested in John MacArthur, who is just a fabulous bible teacher, go to gty.org You will find a HUGE database of sermons that are SO incredibly good and helpful. 

Thanks again! 

ahhhhhhh…

It’s been a few days since my last post and it’s been a good few days. I can’t say that I haven’t gotten irritated or moody, but I can say that I didn’t let it own me. For me, that’s a positive step! It’s been like the calm before the storm, because I know it’s coming. Jack will be leaving in a few days for about three weeks for some training. That just stinks anyway you slice it, he’s my homey and I get lonely and moody when he’s gone. The icing on this particular tart is we’ll be missing our 11th anniversary, it’s not the first, (or last) that we’ve spent apart but the past eighteen months has been difficult for us and lately things have been a lot better. Ah well, I can’t complain because he’ll be back soon enough and we can celebrate a belated anniversary.

I feel like I’m doing much better with catching myself before I get into full on crap mood. I started noticing the signs and now that I’m conscious of them it helps me take control before I get to the point of no return. I got a bit testy yesterday evening, and I should’ve got ahold of myself sooner than I did. But it’s another lesson, and I’m glad for it. I never thought this thing would be easy, but because I’m putting myself in God’s hands every day, it’s been easier than I expected. He has really done such great things for me, I’m amazed, and utterly grateful to Him. I am still job hunting, it gets difficult to shrug it off and say that He’s got one for me when He’s ready, but I do try and remind myself of that, regularly. Staying busy has helped, though I do run out of things to do, or things I want to do. I don’t let myself sit around too much because I know that’s a trigger for me, so even if I just change my location it helps. Going to keep on keeping on with God’s help.

Thanks for the prayers, keep them coming please. I’ll leave you with a thought, one that helps me…

a nice night

You think, a nice night? So what? Well for my family and I (mostly because of me) there have been far too few nice nights for quite some time. Jack & I had the absolute pleasure of conferencing into a bible study in NM. We got to hear some pretty awesome things about God and the end of days. The pinnacle of the night was Jack & I talking about scripture together, asking each other questions and finding the answers over pretzels and a cheese ball. It brings me great joy to know that God is in our home and in our hearts. I look forward to having more nights like this.

Side note: going out for a possible job tomorrow, so please pray for me. Thanks!

disparaging words

We all do it, so get over that misconception now. We don’t necessarily mean to do it, but we do. We do it to others and ourselves. Once we let ourselves get a “toe” on that path, it can be very difficult to stop. We don’t even have to vocalize these negative, hurtful thoughts (words). I happen to be very familiar with this, sadly. It is something that I am seeking to change with prayer and “right” thinking. Christ speaks about it, “For the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart” (Matthew 12:34 NASB). He knows what’s in our hearts, so there’s no use in trying to hide it. The only way to combat this is to fill our hearts with Christ, then our mouths will pour out love instead of vomiting out hatred.

Of course I’m talking about this because, yup you guessed it, I caught myself doing it this past weekend. I even let it pour out onto a poor, supportive, unsuspecting soul. I felt horrible afterward and asked for forgiveness from God and this poor person that got caught in my crappy thoughts. Here’s the kicker, I knew that they knew that I knew it was wrong! Guilt trip ensued shortly after and I spent some time in prayer about it. I could say that the things I said weren’t THAT bad or make some other excuse, but it would be wrong. The MOMENT we start getting sucked into this mode of thinking, we have to STOP and PRAY! If we have someone that we can be accountable to, another person of faith, talk to them about it, ask for prayer about it. Most of all, talk to GOD, He will help us, and He will show us how to get through it and turn our thoughts to “things above”. The whole purpose of writing about this tonight was to share with you how easy it is to succumb to this tendency, to have these disparaging thoughts (whether voiced or not) turn into a venom that we use to hurt others, and even ourselves.

Thanks for praying for me and reading my crazy thoughts. I look forward to your thoughts and replies. 💜

food & mood

Not only do they rhyme, they feed (ha ha) each other. Weight gain, for me, generally happens when my mood is bleh. Feeling down, rejected, inept, fat?..let’s eat! From my experience, this is mostly a woman thing, though I’ve known a few men who do it as well.

Why am I writing about this you ask? Well, oddly enough, there’s been a dip in my mood and I went to my old friends, pizza and pepsi. Yup, even though I KNOW I do it, somehowI STILL do it. The good thing? I’m aware that I do it. The bad thing? I still do it! GAH!!! I do have to make a side note here and say that I didn’t totally binge. I had 1 piece of pizza, 2 glasses (probably 3, before I go to bed) of pepsi and a few wings. Normally, I’d eat 3-4 pieces of pizza, plus the pop and wings. So while I’m still letting my mood lead my mouth, it’s not quite as bad as it used to be. See, there’s a bit of the positive, woo! I’m thinking a shock collar might help, but honestly, I’d probably be a wimp and not shock myself, then eat MORE because I felt like a wuss! The cycle is endless because again I’m letting my mood run me. Here is where I need to catch myself and “chew” on the word of God instead of food. I know He’s enough for me and I need to keep that in the forefront of my mind. I like to say “tomorrow is another day opportunity”, so I’ll leave off with that and a request for continued prayer. Pray that I don’t let my mood dictate me!

say what..?!

Who woke up at a decent hour today? Yep, this chick! Ok, so it was mostly because my friend was expecting me, as I promised to be somewhere at a certain time, but whatever! I got up, had my go juice, listened to MacArthur, filled out MORE job applications, then met my friend. Oh! Guess who didn’t nap today? Yep, me!!! Now if I can just keep myself moving in this direction, I should be ever so proud and thankful. My mood is good, saw some friendly faces today that I haven’t seen in a while, got in my sunshine time AND moderate exercise. Teensy bit of a headache, but nothing too bad. All in all a muy awesome-o day!

Tai Chi

I got all excited about free Tai Chi classes @ the Y. We went tonight only to find out, yeah they’re free but ya gotta have a membership. (side note: I asked that question over the phone and was told nooooo, no membership required). Anywho, Jack & I got a trial visit tonight. I enjoyed it, mostly because the teacher is Jack’s grandma’s age and she just tickled me with some of the things she said. It is VERY slow and no-to-low impact. Good for just getting your body moving period. My DVD should be here any day now and I will feel better doing it now that I’ve seen it. My next goal is to firmly learn my right from my left..!